Flashbacks

In 2002 I had my heart broken for the first time, left the nest of college and threw my whole being into becoming Cindy Sherman. It was all so just, so perfect for a yarn. It was at this time I met a friend, who is still a close friend, who introduced me to LiveJournal. I've never wanted to share so much with so many strangers before, but 3 posts in and random people began to comment with such inspiring responses, I was addicted. If I was not going to do anything more with my life than go from cafe to bar and bar to cafe, LiveJournal was the perfect location for a lazy 20-something year old.

Nearly 10 years later, I recently began receiving new comments to old LJ posts from 2006, 2005 from Russian advertisers selling sex and pills. What came back to me in a flood of warm memories and a flush of embarrassed cheeks were the posts and photos that followed. Was I ever so angry? So full of myself? So sure it was the world's fault and not mine? Sigh, yes I was. I'm 34 now and reading back on those posts and digging deeper into the times in my history that were dangerous, stupid and exciting. I am reading my reactions, my general rhetoric of shit spewed in order to protect my heart, my mind and my soft little soul. I was a bad ass with nothing to back it.

What has become most important in this exercise is the overwhelming relief, comfort and joy I have had reading these old posts. It is rare to get much back from your past, and I am finding being reintroduced to myself at the ages of 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 and 29 to be filling. I almost want to gulp it all down, hold bits of history in my mouth and try to identify all the unknown ingredients and seek answers in questions I still don't have.

I would like to continue this journaling, this writing again. Perhaps I will, here, in this one place. Will I be so excited in another 10 years? I hope so.

Signing off, this 34 year old married woman.